Swimming Lessons
by kz darling
Summary: When does your natural mothering instinct kick in? Can you let your child face the things you never would? Even if its your greatest fear? Please note, this is not about My Sisters Keeper, but based on the style of Jodi Picoult so I published it her
1. Chapter 1

"Keep an eye out for a space"

This could have been any other trip out, like to the shopping centre, or to one of our friend's house, but it wasn't. Yesterday Mum had taken me shopping, into the Disney shop, my favourite! She had let me choose a 'swimming costume' I thought it looked a new dancing leotard, so I chose the prettiest one I could see. An Ariel one, it was a grassy green, with purple rocks and yellow starfish. Not to mention Ariel herself in the middle, with her long red hair and glittery tail. I asked Mum why I needed new dancing kit, but she just laughed. When I stood by her at the till she had a long chat with the old looking lady behind the desk. I only heard parts of the talk because I wasn't tall enough to see over the table. I like listening to learn new words 'swimming', 'ironic' and 'armbands' seemed to be the main ones, I did hear the old looking lady say they had matching Ariel 'armbands', but when I asked Mum she said the pool ones were free, and she did not want to buy any until she knew I would be a duck to water. That was a funny thing to say, because I am not a duck. Now we were at the pool, and Mum had packed my new Ariel leotard into a shopping bag with a blue towel and a clean pair of stripy pants. She held my hand as we walked across the car park, we did the usual "stop, look left, look right' then with a big jump of the kerb we crossed the road. We stood in front of a big set of doors; Mum took a deep breath, and pushed them open. I liked the wavy blue and yellows on the wall. Someone had painted in sea shells and starfish and I knew my Ariel costume would look good here.

Mum pushed me towards another high desk, but the lady behind it was young, with a long blonde ponytail. As they were talking, I looked at the people around me, lots of other children my age, chasing each other round and round the blue sofa chairs in the corner. If I stood on my tiptoes, I could just about see the posters behind the ponytail lady. There were big pictures of children in leotards like my Ariel one, an older people wearing funny hats. My Mum finished talking to the lady and took my hand as we went through into a big room with a blue letters on the door. It smelt horrible. The floor was wet and sticky, and my trainers splashed in the icky mud and water. I wrinkled up my nose to stop the smell getting into my head, but it was too strong. There were rows of benches with lots of other little girls chattering and changing into their leotards. It was a rainbow of pretty patterns and smiling girls. I relaxed slightly, and even let go of Mum's hand. She gestured that I start changing myself, but I was embarrassed to get changed in front of all these strange girls. Was I going to be dancing with them? Mum seemed a bit annoyed that I wasn't changing but said we could find the toilets so I could put on my costume in private. The word costume confused me; did she mean I was acting? In my Ariel leotard? I went into the toilet room, but didn't lock the door because I knew Mum was standing just outside. As I took off my top, I knocked my elbow on the tissue paper box. It hurt, and Mum had obviously heard me squeak because she opened the door and asked me to hurry up. I did not want to annoy her, so I was quick as flash to be ready. When I came out the toilet room, nearly all the other girls had gone. Mum looks worried "please hurry darling, right, I think you need to go that way" she pointed to a big door by the benches that were now covered in clothes and bags, with neat lines of shoes underneath. We walked to the door, but Mum hesitated. "I can't go in with you," she murmured, I looked up her horrified "sorry darling, you will be fine," she gave me a big grin "just follow the other boys and girls" I looked around, I hadn't seen any other boys. Mum opened the door and I could see all the other girls in the long yellow corridor all chatting and laughing. I felt Mum's hand on my back as she pushed me forward, I turned around in protest, but my only reply from her was that she would be watching from upstairs. Then the door swung shut. Mum was gone. Panic took over, this world was so big, there were so many girls here and I had no idea who any of them were. Where was my Mum? Please? Mum? I pushed and pushed on the door I had come through, but it wouldn't move one bit. MUM? The other girls were looking at me, I was crying and scared.

At the end of the yellow corridor, another lady with a ponytail blew a whistle, and I got swept along with the girls as the headed towards the second ponytail woman. Next thing I knew I was by a big hole in the floor. It was filled with water. I was crying even harder now, where was I? Where was my Mum? The other girls had been joined by a load of boys too now. They all split up and made groups around the edge of the water. I heard a man shouting my name, finally, I was saved. He didn't save me though, he just steered me towards one of the groups and I thought I heard him say something about being quiet, but it was too noisy to really hear him. The whistle went again, but I couldn't see which ponytail lady had blown it. All the boys and girls in my group jumped into the hole of water. SPLASH! I screamed as it splashed me, it was really cold and I didn't know why the other children were getting in it. I looked around helplessly. Then I saw Mum, she was sat up in the roof, behind a big window watching. I shouted. But I knew she couldn't hear me. I was crying so hard now. The man who had got me here was back again, he pushed me right to the edge of the hole, and I could now see how far it went down. He was getting angry, I heard some of what he said "Mummy will be back in a bit" and "just get in the pool" and "your 6 now, don't be such a cry baby" I could feel his anger getting worse and worse, he was pushing on my back, towards the cold water.

Then I was under the water. Like in the bath, only I couldn't breathe. I didn't know what to do; I spread out my arms and legs and screamed. The water got all down my neck and in my mouth. I needed to breathe! I shouted out under the water "MUM, MUM, MUM!" Where was the man? Where was I? Where was Mum? I couldn't get to the surface. Amongst the bubbles and water around me, I saw my Mum, pressed up against the glass window above, I couldn't hear her but she looked like she was shouting too. I kicked my legs furiously, but it wasn't enough. I knew I was breathing in water, but I couldn't find the air. I started to feel tired and weak, I was still shouting for my Mum, but I didn't have the energy. I felt my back hit the bottom of the water hole, then there was just darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

When I had finally summoned the courage to go through the Leisure Centre doors, I was faced with the retching smell of chlorine. I started feeling nauseas and my head was swimming. _'How ironic'_ I thought to myself that my fear of water would make my head swim in terror. I gripped onto my daughters hand for support however this did make me seem somewhat immature. How silly that me, a grown woman, a mother to a six year old had to cling to her child's innocence for emotional support.

I had been very careful that she didn't know about my phobia of water. I was aware that everyone else in the class at school could swim and I didn't want my trepidation to wear off on her, when she had no reason to be cautious of water. I paid the woman at the desk for beginner's lessons for the first term and got directions to where the changing rooms were. There were lots of other children running around in the lobby, squealing brats that weren't controlled by their parents. It was moments like this that I felt like a proper, decent parent. Being able to bring up a child as a single parent and do it successfully was a rare thing these days, but at the moment I can credit myself for being at least half way there compared to the huddle of chilled smokers outside with no idea where their offspring are.

I took my own daughter by her hand, I felt protective now, I wanted to prove to myself that I could let her do this and not be stopped by my own fear. When talking to other mums in the playground I had heard that children at her age "took to it like ducks to water". Besides, her friends would soon be hosting pool parties and she would of course be invited. She was popular, with a nice group of friends who had parents who earned a lot of money in whatever professions they maintained. I worked for the local paper. I was the editor. Money was no problem; we still lived with my Father. My husband had taken off with a receptionist whilst I was pregnant and I really had never looked back. I wasn't going to let my child suffer because he had an interest in women who had a sexy phone voice. This was one of those moments. I had to help her into the swimming pool, to learn to swim like all other children. I couldn't let her see how scared I was, how much I was worried that she would be terrified of it like me. It was only water of course. For all I knew, she could be a natural, an Olympic swimmer in the making.

My thought train was cut short as I realised we were stood, hand in hand, in front of the women's changing rooms. I took a deep breath, looked down at my precious child, smiled as reassuringly as I could and pushed open the blue door. Inside the stench of chlorine was worse. I was closer to the pool. Girls of all ages bustled, giggled and squealed in all directions. I resisted the urge to turn and run out, deciding on a new strategy. _'Let's get this over and done with as soon as possible'_ I told myself. Reluctant to change in the middle of all the other girls I had to stand outside the ladies toilets and wait for her to change. She took what seemed like an age and I had to stand there watching all these confident mothers, take their children out to the side of the pool. I heard something from inside the cubicle and checked my watch. 5 minutes till she was supposed to be in. I pushed on the door and it slipped open. I immediately repulsed by the grimy floor and smell of stank, unwashed toilets. "Hurry up" I prompted and retreated back into the less rancid chlorine air.

When she was ready all the other girls had vacated the changing rooms. I barely looked at my own daughter as she fiddled with her swimming costume. I was trying to make this about me, but my heart rate was rising fast and I could feel my legs shaking. I opened the heavy door to the poolside and realised I couldn't go any further. All the other children were lining up in the corridor waiting to be called by their teachers. I couldn't do this. My own daughter, I looked at her face, mixed fear and interest gave me a bit of confidence in her independence. I didn't need to teach her to swim; I was paying some teen life guard to do that. She stepped out into the line of colourful costumes and I saw this as her own step to doing this. My six year old daughter was braver than me. Tears of shame filled my eyes and I pushed back through the door. Words of reassurance tumbled aimlessly out my mouth and then there was silence.

The door had closed in front of me. My daughter was separated from me, on my own again. She had been what was keeping me going. In pure panic I ran from the changing room. I slipped on a small stray flip flop but kept going. I was out by the reception desk when I finally stopped to regain my dignity, breath and conscience. The lady behind the desk obviously noticed me looking shaken up and pointed me to the stairs to the viewing room. I went up the stairs slowly, gripping the handle till my knuckles were white. I went through the doors at the top and saw all the parents from downstairs, lined up on stools overlooking a big glass window. Coffee was apparently on offer as they all clutched paper cups of the hot liquid. I slowly made it to one of the few spare stools and saw to my horror that I was hovering 3 metres above the poolside. I clung to the edge of my seat and squinted through my tearful eyes to spot my daughter. I was ashamed of my mothering instinct when I could not see her. The Ariel costume seemed the same as every other cartoon style down there. Pink was the chosen colour for the girls and a rainbow of boy's trunks with bare top halves. No one was in the pool yet. The shimmering mass of liquid taunted me as I tried to spot my daughter. There! She was with one of the life guards. '_Oh god,_' I realised '_she looks terrified' _I was cruel. I hadn't even asked her if she wanted swimming lessons. She was shepherded to one of the groups forming at each side of the pool. A whistle blew from one of the lifeguards and all the children threw themselves into the water. She was left stood on her own. The lifeguards clearly didn't like this. She was clearly causing trouble. I saw one of the men in a yellow top say something to her. "Oooh look Cheryl, that little madam there" my attention was caught by a shrill voice that came from a tall lady in a pink body warmer. I was about to give her the full parenting speech when I heard a scream. This time I did recognise it as my child. She was in the water. Had I missed her jumping? She would be disappointed when she got out. Perhaps I could tell her I did see it. Wait. Something was wrong.

Where was she? I waited for her head to pop up through the blue bubbles. I could feel every muscle in my body tense as the seconds went by. Then the bubbles started to clear. I could see her. The outline of her body was distorted by the rippling water, but it was clear that she was sinking. I screamed. I hit the glass to smash through. She needed me. i think I saw her see me the. Her mouth was moving under water and I imaged her tiny lungs filling with water. Hysteria took over, "my daughter! She can't swim!" the parents around me were also standing up, leaning to the glass to see. I was hammering on the glass and the lifeguards looked up and saw me, but they didn't notice my daughter, in her new Ariel costume, sinking to the bottom of the swimming pool. In absolute horror I saw her body buckle as she hit the bottom of the pool. Her arms flopped weakly under the water pressure. I screamed and screamed. '_Please?_'


End file.
